Where the hell have you been

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

This is the dress of love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"

The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"

She responds, "This is the dress of love."

"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!."

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks seductively.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!."

Yep, the husband replied, In laws

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, Relatives of yours?

Yep, the husband replied, In laws

You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night ...........

An old farmer was having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

One of them said, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quickly."

"How did you get it fixed?" asked the farmer.

"Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her," his friend said.

Ben went home to the farm and decided to try it. He grabbed a cow, dipped his fingers in the cow's vagina, and rubbed it all around the bull's nose.

The bull got a rip-roaring boner and jumped on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed. That night, Ben got into bed with his wife and couldn't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lay sleeping, Ben dipped his fingers into his wife's vagina. Feeling that it was nice and wet, he rubbed it all around his nose and got a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shook his wife awake and cried out, "Honey, look!"

She rolled over, turned on the light and said, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

The Pope said ok, and then slapped the Queen

The Queen of England and the Pope were celebrating a public holiday in England one day, in front of a massive audience, when the Queen turned to the Pope and said, "You know, I can make all of the British in the crowd cheer and go wild by just waving my hand." The pope looked at the Queen and asked for a demonstration. The Queen waved her hand at the people, and all of the Brits went crazy - cheering, shouting, and giving a standing ovation for her.

The Pope nodded, and said to the Queen, "Well, I can make all of the Irish in this crowd start cheering by just waving my hand as well." The Queen raised an eyebrow. "Alright," she said. "Prove it." The Pope said ok, and then slapped the Queen.

RENT FOR APARTMENT

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for #50,000.

And she did. Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment: RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for #25,000 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:



Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of #25,000 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;

(2) that there was plenty of heat;

(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home


Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.



Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for #25,000 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord!