"You see, she crossed her legs....."

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair
of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said,
"But you just got a new pair last month!"
"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,"
stammered the private.
"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his
book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march
accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the
medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients
now."
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,"
blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing
a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs....."

"Mummy, mummy, what are these?"

A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.
"Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts.
"Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die,
they inflate and float you up to heaven."
Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off
quite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into
the kitchen.
"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!"
What do you mean? says his mother.
Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her
balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling
"God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!"

Two Tigers

Two tigers are walking in the jungle in single file along a trail.

The rear tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes then reappears. A few moments
later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just
below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn’t want to start a fight so
lets it go. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue in the same area. Outraged he decides
to confront the other tiger and asks,

“Did you just lick arse?”
The other tiger replies, “Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to
get rid of the taste!”

The definition of Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

Hit the fan

A guy is really desperate to take a dump, so he goes into a nearby bar and asks the
bartender where the toilets are. The bartender says, “Go upstairs and it’s the second
door on the right.”
So the guy goes upstairs but can’t find the restrooms anywhere. So when he sees a hole
in the floor and he decides to crap in it.
After relieving himself, of a monster dump, he goes back downstairs and notices that
there’s no one in the bar.
“Hey, Where did everybody go?” He asks the bartender.
The bartender replies, “So, where were you when the shit hit the fan?”

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