Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail

I am currently running the latest version of Girl Friend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
Girl Friend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that Drinking Buddies won't crash if Girl Friend is run in background mode
and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find
the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it
works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97
program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girl Friend 1.0, but
I thought I might see better performance from Girl Friend 2.0. After
months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with Girl Friend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run Girl Friend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed Girl Friend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I
very cautiously upgraded to Girl Friend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that Girl Friend 1.0 was still in my
system. I tried running Girl Friend 1.0 again with Girl Friend 4.0 still
installed, but Girl Friend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girl Friend and
communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal
of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of Girl Friend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there
is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,
you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how
Girl Friend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girl Friend to
Girlfriend Plus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
Girl Friend. He discovered that Girlfriend Plus 1.0 expires within a year
if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he
had to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of
the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came
bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife
1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do
anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
Mother-In-Law which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try
to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0
won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

You're never home

The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his
wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm ?"

She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"

I know, but I was in love and didn't really notice.

Following a bitter divorce a husband saw his wife at a party and
sneered, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The wife simply sighed and replied, "Yes, dear, I know, but I was in
love and didn't really notice."

That's exactly what he asked me about you.

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father
asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"

The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike."
sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about
you."

Now, tell him you have a headache

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless without straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the sheer dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
flirt with the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
you have a headache."

SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are
so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"

He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to
my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do
you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a
picture".

He beams and asks, "why?"

She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love

Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and
after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.
(The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim
sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.

Dearest Darling,

This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and
she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.
No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have
the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope
you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.

All My Love,
Jimmy

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the
latest style - folded down with the fur showing.

But I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling' rights!

Storming into his lawyer's office, a mega oil magnate
demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his
young bride.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulteress' bitch for breach of contract,"
snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife
isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect
exclusive drilling' rights!

she could go fuck herself."

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.
One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is
my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I
figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least
like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last
anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the
Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least
like the trip, and she would know that I love her."


The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well
for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I
figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

you know who is going to tie my bow tie

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go
home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went
home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and
growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my
supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs
and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys.
You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another
thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Why I Fired My Secretary

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.

Overload

Overload

A group of police men on road assignment saw a woman carrying her four(4) children in her car.
Looking for a way to collect money from her, they asked for the vehicle paticulars which she provided with ease.

Not knowing how else to collect the money, they asked the money for the particulars of her children, their birth certificates,baptismal certificates and proof of ownership of the children....

What else........

A pastor was having an evening walk and saw a small boy at the front of a house jumping up, trying to press the door bell on the house.

The pastor walked up to the boy, helped him press the door bell and asked the boy what next

The boy answered, it is for us to run away......

The torpedo missed!"

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by
the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a
hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go
down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at
least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would
you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick
against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out
and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table,
a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were
the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator,
"Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The
navigator told him.

The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick
of yours. The torpedo missed!"

If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest
and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I
am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted
on Sundays.


" The man thinks: "What does a priest know
about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a
married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the
minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and
therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he
seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition
and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then
states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man
replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others
tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex
were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!" (Classic joke)

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."
Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or
what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."
Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little
embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here.
Will you do it?"
Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I
don't understand it, but OK."
He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the
bedside when Fred wakes up.
"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.
"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an
operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple
task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was
operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went
ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be
circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."
"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"

my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedroom arguing,
"You bitch, your cunt is too hairy! Well your dick is to small bastard!"

The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and
asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of
the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each
other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname we gave our coats." The boy
shrugged his shoulders and went off to play. Later that day the boy was
watching his dad shave.


Suddenly his dad blurted out, "Shit" when he cut
himself. The boy asked, "dad what does that mean?" and his dad cleverly
replied, "That's the brand of shaving cream I'm using." So the boy wandered
into the kitchen where his mom was preparing a turkey for company that
evening. As he was watching, his mom burned herself on the stove and
blurted out "Fuck".

Again the boy asked the meaning and the frustrated
mother snapped at him, "It's french for cooking now go answer the door! The
company is already here!" So the boy went, opened the door, and put his
new vocabulary to use, "Hello bitches and bastards, you can hang your cunts
and dicks in the closet. My dad is still in the bathroom putting shit on
his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION
ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my
wife."

The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here? (funny Joke)

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the
blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the
menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous
customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to
the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind
man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep
breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and
mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks
towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's
wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind
man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me?
I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to
the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man
says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and
chesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,
the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him
and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes
in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's
him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary
rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"