She made me a much better offer

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.

"Look, I’ll give you $1,000 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the $1,000 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.

"Look, I’ll give you $1,000 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the $1,000 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Daddy, what's sex

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

If she were sleeping in her own bed

One day, John decided to invite over his mother for dinner with him and his roommate, Julie. Julie made a great dinner, but John's mother started to suspect more than friendship. The next day, Julie told John that the soup ladle was missing. This is the letter he wrote to his mother:

Dear Ma,
I'm not saying you did take the soup ladle, but I'm not saying you didn't. But the fact remains, It's missing.
Love,
John

This was her response...

Dear John,
I'm not saying you did sleep with Julie, But I'm not saying you didn't. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found it by now.
Love,
Mom

He's at home taking care of the kids

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."

Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

So babe, what part of Lesbia are you from?"..

A guy sits down at the bar and sees a real beauty sitting at the other end. He tells the bartender to get a drink for her.

"Don't bother dude, she's a lesbian." "I don't care!" says the guy, "Gimme the drink and I'll take it over myself..."

So the guy slides up and sits down next to the lady and says: "So babe, what part of Lesbia are you from?"..

Where do you think cab drivers come from?

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cab drivers come from?"

"Amen," replied the congregation

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that god damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Marriage counselling section

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

A 75 year old man went to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day he brings back the empty jar & explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried, with nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

A FINAL MOMENT OF TRUTH

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, But we don't know anything about each other.

He said, That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, That was incredible!

He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, That was incredible!
Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?
No. she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter

I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.